středa 24. září 2008


Several months ago I made psychotests and last week I got the first brief results. I wished that they removed my old diagnosis, the schizotypal disorder. I thought this disorder would have been only an old memory by me. In the last eight years, I was cured "only" for slight depressions. In the tests, there had three times appeared some slight traces of neurosis and mood and personality abnormalities only. For the fourth time, when I hoped the old "craziness", bearing all the stigma, odd thoughts and bad prejudice and disgusted associations that people produce hearing the words such as psychiatry, schizophrenia, psychosis, neurosis… would disappear and fall off me, the opposite became true :-( Now I have my old "friend" back:

My doctor (a psychiatress) said that there was a slight decompensation of a schizotypal disorder found in my test results. This is a long, very long, heavy and unpleasant story that is not alone in the world.

Not only that an old diagnosis is renewed. I was some visits before very disappointed when I heard the doctors have never discontinue this diagnosis! That is what I really thought. I didn't have to take antipsychotics for a couple of years! Well, the eight years, 2001–2008, I spoke of – maybe we should count fewer years in the case of the medication but I don't care for now – so for a relatively long term. And now it's back. A pretty disappointment and mix of feelings.

My diagnosis also changed whenever in the time without my knowledge! I told you of the schizotypal disorder only for simplicity. It's the original one. I just don't know when and why but along with the information that some decompensation was found I was told that my diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder. This is just another diagnosis! Who ever told me that it was changed? No one! This is how the Czech medical services work :-( Never try to catch any illness in Czechia since you'll never be told what are you actually cured for and why :-D Just pay your bills or let the state pay it and take silently and obediently your meds, you are your doctor's daily bread.

People often just don't know what it is to be mentally ill. But 20% of all population suffers from depressions – most of them don't even know it! They're often punished or prejudged for laziness or irresponsibility from their social environment. But they are just ill, they have the responsibility they just cannot handle.

And when you are on the boundary of a disorder, with only slight traces as I am, you can still live normal life, think and feel almost a normal way but people don't know what to do with you – where to store you in their categories – when they know you are ill … but only a bit … or don't know but still watch some odd thoughts or behaviour by you.

When you are just simply ill, mentally or physically, people tend to help you, to serve you … and to underestimate even your own thinking abilities. You don't have to go to work for some time, you can take a vacancy or you get fired and then you just can't find a job. Your individuality and personality becomes suppressed in the name of others wanting to help you. In other words, you have to follow their instructions if you don't want to suffer even more for your inability to live normally. You become dependent. When you are adult you become a child.

On the other hand, even when you are relatively sane and healthy, people await much from you. They count with your full responsibility, full energy and full performance. When you are healthy and don't give the full expected quantitative or less often also qualitative output you are just lazy in the view of others or an ineffective or irresponsible worker or a bad husband or wife or a problematic family member. As a child not giving the expected results you can earn many punishments, including bitter laughs from your "friends" and the worst degrees, names and "personality remaking" from your (let's say, uninformed, too tired or unprofessional) teachers.

All this is what I know and experienced. Who didn't? Maybe there are people who din't and I wish them all the best. But I'd wish to no one. What was the reason of such pain in my childhood? I was only a bit fat, a bit more intelligent but slow and used my left hand more than the right. This is sufficient for the others to take advantage of you. Nothing of shouting visibility such as if you missed a leg or wore strong glasses. Of course, I tried to resist but never understood it well. Why do they want to harm me and laugh on my account when I don't? Why do they wish that I was other, especially thinner, and worked faster, when they must have noticed that every one has his own personality and I just cannot do it any quicker way but I must prefer quality and imagination before speed? Was it so hard for them to follow that I'm on my limits? Yes, it was. Maybe because they weren't on theirs. But that's a common experience of peaceful people that others may behave aggressively against them or want to win, even going an unfair way ;-) Nihil novi sub sole.

Let's end it here. I'd wish to write more. Editing is possible here so I will maybe write more. I must return to my work – needed to throw some thoughts away and now I need to fullfill some of my job duties ;-) I still hope somebody will find this article interesting and, most importantly, truthful.

… Still holding the original writing. Just cannot leave the crucial facts and feelings unspoken. I see myself reading this all for long time and many times – it often helps me to clear and straighten my thoughts, hope some of that help could also reach the reader :-)

Yet another thing to mention – my problems are really slight. The most bad feelings are mostly concentrated in the mental tiredness, headaches, breaking of the thoughts and a bit distorted speech (I maybe more often than others forget what I was trying to say, sometimes in the middle of a sentence…), I also don't like to be in the middle of many people often (so I could describe myself as an introvert) and an annoying lack of concentration! (That stinks when somebody works as a programmer :-D) But that's almost all trouble I really experience. I also had some delusions, irrational fears, inner dialogues, self-speech and obsessive thoughts, some suspicions and many nights without sleep but filled with geysers of various thoughts – almost in the time it all began, as I was fifteen. But it was half a year after a brain commotion and after a week with my pubertal class in Italy, in a crazy country, the langauge of which I didn't understand, after a diarrhea happening after some washing-only water from Tiber (don't ask me what I did then in the Vatican Museums), after being forced to leave my father's swiss army knife in the gates of Vatican and never more find it, after falling in love with a girl from our class that wished only a plain friendship, after about five days without any piece of meal (somebody stole us the food and I just didn't know how to ask others for it and didn't find the time and courage to buy it…) and after taking medicine against the diarrhea (from one teacher) that caused the opposite problem to me, thinking it worked against mental problems, after a week alone among many people, being the last everywhere, the most tired one that tends to get lost, a walking burden to the class that should be on a nice trip… A bit absurd journey, would you survive that untouched? :-D

After we returned home I was a human ruine. My parents consulted a doctor that diagnosed that schizotypal disorder and prescribed neuroleptics. But the sleepiness and tiredness caused by them… So I got a ticket for another journey – with the "Air Psyco Ltd." if you allow. That's been partially described higher.

So after all that happened I can say – thank God, I'm doing well ;-)