neděle 7. prosince 2008


What I feel in the recent days, could be described as estrangement. I know that this word is modern but don't know if I mean the same as its modern users.
I mean: I don't like it here but I'm stuck and trapped here. That here means in this epoch, situation and role. Nevertheless, Idunnodeway oudahere. I don't know how to change my role (e. g., my job) without causing hurt to anyone.

My boss is a good friend of mine and I just cannot say bye to him. Besides, I just cannot imagine a concrete job that would fit my needs better. Doesn't mean there isn't any but I just have no idea.

It's a twisted puzzle because my work exhausts me, it consumes me completely, especially when our company is (or seems to be) pretty much dependent on every move of mine. Still my partial success or effort doesn't seem to rectify the situation anyway! Not to mention my bosse's work – he's near to the end with his stamina. Or sometimes he speaks so. So I don't want to leave him in that storm but I am no miraculous wizard. Every work of mine goes very slow, slower than expected and wished. My work is maybe too pedantically systematic when it (as believed) doesn't need to. But they want it quickly! What a damned word, faster, quickly! People, I need time to finish it in any reasonable fashion and working state. That's something that the bosses maybe just cannot understand. Am I such a sluggishly slow one?

Every computer takes its time by working on a long or complicated task. But the computer doesn't care if you wait or not, it just does it, computes, converts, copies… Some errors during run? Gotta start it and wait again? You care! But I am not a computer, I am a human, I need to rest, to use my creativity, to love someone, to have some time for my hobbies (which I especially desire).

So my fellows, I must change this. Please don't give me advices that I have to return to nature or that I ought to obey natural time cycles (as some strongly recommend). Don't even mention the word "regime" in front of me. Because this all is miles from the right cause and effect (as I think). It would become a laugh into my eyes. Everyone just only needs to live his own life, to cope with his ideas and plans. The software is already preinstalled from God in us. Let's don't try to reinstall a soulless primitive input-output routine over it. Let's do not exhaust our unique, precious and rare sources of inspiration, fantasy and creativity by something that is honestly called the job work.

Even if our boss is our good friend and our company ballances all the time on the edge of a crisis … And that's the hardest part.